Not A Bad Place to Be
by TheRestIsRustAndStardust
Summary: When everyone's favorite intern recieves  and subsequently fails  his first major responsibility, he ends up being kidnapped by the troublesome, beautiful young assistant of one of Agent P's former nemises. Is the little ginger doomed? Or will it turn out that Hell isn't such a bad place to be?
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N: Hey guys! I know, I know, I've been gone for simply ages, but I've been rather distracted lately. To make it up to you, I've decided to do a fic again...This time with 100% More Carl! :D I admit, I'm not as happy with this as I was with my previous work, but the second chapter gets better. Enjoy! -Kaylee_**

Dolores Robertson sat in the white, featureless room at the OWCA Base in Danville, scowling; for one thing, she hated being cooped up in one room for too long. She had been sitting in the little detainment cell for what felt like hours, hands cuffed behind the scarred wooden chair she was in. The second thing that she hated was the cold, clinical atmosphere of the place, akin to a hospital. From what she could see of the place, it was all too clean, too white and blue and mint green, again like a hospital or doctor's office, both of which she detested more than words could describe. But, the one thing that Dolly could stand the least was the tall, authoritative white-haired man sitting across from her, eyes trying to pierce hers as he grilled her with questions that she refused to answer.

Major Monogram's voice was strained with impatience as he asked the girl the same questions over and over again for a millennium. "For the last time! Where is the location of his lair? Just answer that question and we won't press any charges!"

Dolores' case was rather alien to him; she was just a minor, a teenage girl detained at the recently abandoned lair of a super-villain who the Agency had thought inactive for the time being. It had been almost a week since her capture and even now all they knew about her was her name, age and the fact that she was his laboratory assistant. Nobody could contact her parents; she wouldn't tell anyone their names or phone numbers. They had looked up all of the Robertson's in Danville and none of them had a teenage daughter named Dolores or even knew one. It was like she didn't exist. So far, she had been hostile, rude and disrespectful to everyone who had tried to grill her for information.

Dolly's eyes flicked lazily as she leaned in, seemingly ready to talk. All hope of that gave way, however, when the girl merely popped a Strawberry bubble in the Major's face. "Eat me, Monogram. You have to be brain-dead if you think I'd ever give YOU that information!"

Francis Monogram's eyes filled with rage as he stuttered incoherently. "That is IT, young lady!", he snapped.

Dolly smirked. "If you can call ME young lady then I can call YOU Old Man!"

He growled. "That is IT! I'm going to get another interrogator in here, someone who WON'T put up with any of your teenage backtalk!"

"Ooh, I'm shaking!", was her reply. "And I'm no traitor! Nobody here can make me say anything, not you and not anyone else!" She screamed like a little girl throwing a tantrum.

The Major slammed the door behind him, fuming. That girl was THE biggest brat he had ever met! It was as if she hated every authority figure that she came across! The people who hauled her away, the driver of the car, her guard, and the endless sea of people who, day in and day out for the last week, had interrogated her about the whereabouts of her ominous employer, had all said that she was rude, defiant and rebellious to a fault. He locked the door to the holding cell and began walking down the hall into his office, thinking, "If there was just _some way _to get through to that girl, maybe get someone her own age in there-"

"Major Monogram?", came a voice, interrupting the man from his thoughts. "I fixed the paper jam. Oh! And here's your dry cleaning, sir." Carl smiled at the Major, swelled with pride at his job well done.

"Gosh darn it, Carl, can't you see that I'm-!" It was then that Major Francis Monogram had a brilliant idea. A stupid idea. The Major got a brilliantly stupid idea. "Say Carl," he began slowly, trying to sound smooth. "How would _you_ like to get that box set of autographed Stumbleberry Finkbat books that you've been eying online?"

"Would I!", the red-haired teen declared shrilly. "I'd do ANYTHING to get my hands on those! They're a collector's dream!"

"Great!" The Major grinned brightly, in a slightly disturbing way. "All I need you to do is ask our detainee in their a few questions."

Carl's leaf-green eyes widened. "M-Me? Interrogate a real criminal?"

"She's not a criminal, Carl, she's just a teenage girl!"

"Well that makes it even worse!", he gasped.

The Major groaned. "Just do this for me, Carl! That girl constantly shuts me out and a week of interrogation from adults hasn't phased her!" He sighed, going to fetch her recently-made, meager file. "Her name is Dolores Robertson, age sixteen, parents unknown. We caught her at The Regurgitator's old base and she says that she's his assistant. After his escape last month, we've been trying to find him nonstop and that girl is our only clue. But she isn't talking to anybody. Little brat has a HUGE disdain for authority. So we need YOU to see if you can speak to her. Do it, Carl, and those books are as good as yours!"

Carl saluted the Major. "You can count on me, sir!"

Monogram walked Carl down the hallway to Dolly's room. "And, one more thing, Carl." He pulled out a small object that appeared to be some kind of weapon. "She's a smart kid. Don't fall for any of her tricks. And if she somehow manages to get free and try to attack you, keep this taser on hand so you can defend yourself. Good luck, _Agent Carl_!"


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N: This chapter should make up for the sucky last chapter. I really like Dolly as a character and want to give her a chance to spread her wings. PS; Bonus Points for whoever can figure out where her name and all her nicknames come from! :D Enjoy! -Kaylee_**

After cautiously unlocking and entering the door to the holding cell, the little intern gazed at his charge in awed shock.

The unusual girl's face was small, a somewhat round heart-shape, upon which rested a small pug nose and two mauve rosebuds hiding behind an even pinker bubble of gum. Her thick raven hair was pulled into a ponytail with braids on either side of her head. On down past her slightly pointed chin was a slender neck. The rest of her body was slightly muscular and slender, a remainder of her prominent background in gymnastics. Her skin was a warm almond color, the only warm thing about her besides her orange jumpsuit upon which was emblazoned "OWCA Detainee Number 5247". Of all of these, however, the only real outstanding features of her were her eyes.

They were slate-gray, shield-gray, revealing nothing about her. It was if, in her mind, she knew that they were the windows to her soul and she had found some way to unfurl the blinds and keep herself hidden. And yet, when he looked slightly closer, he saw a faint glimmer behind those tiny funeral stones. It was an expression of confusion, fear and, perhaps, even...pain.

In other words; beautiful. "Good God!", Carl thought, aware of a bright red blush creeping up on his face. "Why did it have to be a girl? And why did she have to be pretty?"

Dolly stared at him with utter indifference, speaking in a bored voice that smacked of Dominique Swain. "What do you want?" She lazily popped her bubblegum.

He grinned shyly. "M-Major Monogram s-sent me to talk to you. Since you don't seem to like adults."

Pop. Chew. Pop. "I don't like dweeby little insects, either!", she said coolly, with a sting in her voice.

Carl frowned, staring down at his feet. Her words stung, although he wouldn't say anything to her.

The sharp-eyed girl was about to move in for the kill when an idea suddenly struck her, like a baseball at a window. "Wait a minute", Dolly thought, biting her rosy lip. "If I play it JUST right, I bet I can bust out of here!"

Dolores tossed her head to the side, Dominique Swain-like voice softening to a coo. "I-I'm sorry...That was mean, wasn't it? I didn't mean to be so rude."

Carl glanced up at her. (Literally "up", for young Dolores was an easy head taller than he.) "What?"

She smiled, her shield eyes lightening up, bending to her will to become inviting. "I shouldn't have been so mean to you, I mean, you're obviously just trying to help your boss." Carl felt it prudent not to mention the autographed books to her. She batted her eyes. "I'm Dolores, by the way, but I go by Dolly, and sometimes Lola or Lolita. What's YOUR name?", she asked.

Carl gulped. "M-My name is...I'm, uh...MAJOR MONOGRAM, WHAT'S MY NAME AGAIN?", he yelled hoarsely.

Dolly giggled insipidly, hating herself for every second of this charade. "Your name tag says Carl. Spiffy name." "UGH!", she thought, "Did I actually JUST SAY "spiffy"?"

Carl gulped nervously. Dolly continued, grinning, "Could you, maybe, help me with something honey? I seem to have a hangnail, and it's really bothering me, but I can't get to it myself." She purred out the next words. "Would you look at my hands and see if you can pull it off?"

The intern was about to oblige when he remembered Monogram's words of warning about the treacherous little vixen. "M-Major Monogram told me not to fall for any of your tricks!", he declared nervously.

Dolly stared down at him, apparently hurt. "It wasn't a trick, you know! It's really uncomfortable and bothering me." She pouted. "Ever since I got here, nobody's cared about me or told me anything. They want me to spill the beans about my boss and then they'll send me to some little white-walled boarding school or detention center."

Carl's gaze grew sympathetic poor Dolly; all she wanted was someone to help her out, in a very little way. It couldn't hurt him...could it? "Fine. I'll get your hangnail. But no tricks, alright?"

Dolly smiled at him, batting her eyes and absolutely oozing appreciation. "Oh! Thank you, Carl!" Inside her head, she was cackling maniacally. This was TOO perfect! Everything that Adam had taught her about magic would soon pay off.

He went behind her marred little chair and stooped to the ground, inspecting her long, red-painted nails, and seeing no hangnail. "Dolly? I'm not seeing anything, are you sure that-"

CLICK.

The tiny, almost inaudible noise was deafening to Carl as he looked down at his own hands, now cuffed together as Dolores Robertson flexed her red wrists. "I can't believe you fell for that!", Lolita howled, voice full of cruel mirth. She frisked his front pockets before yanking out what she sought; the taser that Old Monobrow had given to the little twerp. She had finely tuned hearing and had soaked up every bit of that conversation.

"Hey!", called out Carl, in a type of delayed reaction. Dolly yanked him from sitting position and pressed his back against her chest in a restraint position, aiming the now amped-up taser at the intern's neck. If he hadn't have been in fear of his life, he would have enjoyed the physical contact.

Dolly kicked open the door of the vile little holding cell, taking out all of her fury on the thing that separated her from freedom. Major Monogram stood before them, frozen in fear. "GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY! CARL!"

"Major Monogram, help!", the teen yelped, fearful of what was to come.

"Shut up!", Dolly snapped, taser trained on the boy's neck. "I turned the voltage up high enough to turn his little brain to mush, and I will, if you get any closer!" She sounded like a wounded animal, angry and scared. "Just let me by and the twerp gets to live, got it?"

Monogram slowly stepped back, holding a hand behind him so he could press the alarm when he got close enough to his desk. WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! The alarm went off, although only one or two guards showed up to try and detain the little brat. "Darn it! Why did I have to send all of the field agents to that leadership seminar!", the Major sobbed. "Hold on, Carl!"

Dolly clamped tightly on the cuffs that bound his hands as she tased each and every human being that came her way, truly showing a fight that Carl had never seen. Running, she dragged the unfortunate adolescent through the base before finding what she sought. "Bingo!" Victoriously Dolly wielded the plastic bag containing the items that had been taken from her when she was detained, including a set of keys to a vehicle that was, as of now, in the next room, the laboratory, where they anazlyzed the bigger things that had been taken from Regurgitator's previous lair.

"Buckle up, squirt! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!" Dolly threw Carl into the passenger seat of a human sized hovercar and floored it as soon as she had the key in the ignition.

At last, the sounds of splintering wood and drywall filled the air and the bright December sunlight filled the azure sky as well as the car. "Whoo-hoo! We HAVE lift-off!"

Through Dolly's joyous words, a dark, grim realization came to Carl; he was sitting next to an escaped criminal. He was sitting in a vehicle stolen from OWCA labs. Not only that, but he was handcuffed, kidnapped and headed for certain disaster with an emotionally unstable-albeit very pretty-supervillain-in-training.

With that, Carl Karl fainted.


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Hey guys! :D I'm back from being disgustingly lazy! Enjoy! -Kaylee**_

"Hey, runt! Wake up already, you're scaring me!" A bossy female voice jolted Carl from his sleep. Collecting his hazy thoughts, the grim memories of what had occurred made him feel as though he would be ill. "We're almost there, squirt, so get yourself together!"

"I have a name, you know," Carl groused, trying awkwardly to rub his tired eyes with cuffed wrists. "And where are you taking me, anyway?", he asked, now slightly worried.

"We're going to the old base so I can get my stuff, if your stupid organization didn't clean us out. I have a few things that I want to grab. After that, we head to the new outpost. If the boss is there, I'll let HIM decide what to do with you." The lack of any kind of tone of her voice chilled him to the bone. She eased the large hovering vehicle down into what looked like an old volcano. "Home sweet caldera.", she sighed sarcastically as she parked and opened the dome lid of the craft. "Come on, sugar-cakes, we're burning daylight." Dolly took his bound wrists, surprisingly gently, and tugged him out of the vehicle.

"Um...nice lair you have here..?" Carl struggled with words, trying not to set Dolores off.

"It was a lot nicer with furniture.", she said, grinning wryly. Dolly led him along a small corridor, into a little pink-painted room, bare of most things but a dresser. "Yes! It's still here!" She went into the dresser and, with a burst of strength, pushed out of the way, revealing a wide, flat rock that covered a huge hole in the malleable dirt of the floor. From that hole, she pulled a cardboard box. "I'm glad they didn't swipe THIS! I'd be up the creek without a paddle if ya know what I mean." She pulled a coat out of the aforementioned dresser and tucked it under her arm with the big brown box.

Carl shivered; the fear from being kidnapped had kept him from feeling the chill in the air. Dolly noticed this, frowning. "Hang on, shrimp-o. I'll look around and see what I can find for you." Obediently, the boy followed her, biting his lip to keep from shouting at her. After a few minutes' searching, she threw something warm and very, VERY large over his shoulders. "It's the boss's coat. It's a little big, but it'd be better than you wearing mine. Pink _definitely _isn't your color, sweety."

Carl gave her an appreciative smile. True, the coat was easily at least four times his size, but it was warm, and the trauma of having to wear a pink parka would be too much for him. Her smile disappeared, however, being replaced with her usual indifferent pout. "Alright, titchy, we gotta move before anyone catches us." She yanked on the chained part of his handcuffs, pulling him forward.

Once again in the hovercar, Carl piped up. "So what's in the box, anyway? Why's it so important?"

Dolly rolled her eyes. "Well, if you're going to be nosy-"

"I am, if I'm involved in whatever you're doing!"

She sniffed. "Fine!" Her red-painted nails gently pried open the lid of the box, revealing huge stacks of ones, fives, tens, twenties and fifties. "Leftovers from our last bank heist. Thirty _thousand _dollars in cash, virtually untraceable. I also have in my emergency kit, should I need them, a revolver, fake ID's, hair dye, a driving map of the United States, and a Mr. Goodbar. Hey, girl's gotta have her chocolate!"

Carl had to admit, he was impressed; this girl was incredibly intelligent, seemingly mapping out all of the possible outcomes in her mind. It would have been really cool if he wasn't being forced to go with her against his will. "So," he began awkwardly, not sure how she would react, "Where exactly IS your boss's new base? N-Not that I'm trying to pry!" He stuttered nervously.

Dolly grinned, silver fox-eyes glittering. "Well, I guess I have to tell you, since we'll be together for awhile." She began speeding up the car subtly. "I hope ya like pandas and rice, Tiny Tim; we're going to Beijing!"


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: She's ba-ack! This chapter has a lot of filler, but around the end it has some important character and plot development. So enjoy!-Kaylee**_

Carl sat there in stone cold shock for about three hours. _Beijing? She was really going to take him to China for God Knows how long?Or would she __**ever **__let him go? Was he truly an unfortunate male entangled in the web of a black widow? _He could just imagine himself entangled in a giant silk trap, struggling for freedom. He completely shut down.

"Hey kiddo, get up!" The boy blinked as a small brown hand shook him by his shoulder. Dolly stared down at him, eyes still hard and unmoved. "You haven't blinked for like three hours, it's starting to scare me! And this is our stop for the night, okay?" With the last sentence, she dropped her voice again, attempting to sooth the poor thing. Again showing her gentle side, the girl took Carl by the arm and half-lifted him out of the vehicle. It was now quite late at night, and the sky above threatened snow. He followed compliantly, head fallen to the ground, saying nothing.

They were in the parking lot of some cheap motel. Pale beams from streetlights shone down on the cracked pavement. It looked like one of those places that charged by the hour. Dolores made a face. "I hate staying at these grody places. BUT, if we stayed anywhere better, they'd ask for names and ID's and wouldn't accept cash. If we stay here, they'll only think we're..." Her pupils dialated. "I'll tell you when you're older." Carl smiled a tiny bit, relieving some of the tension.

The air inside the seedy Inn was warmer than outside, in fact chokingly so. The whole place was an ugly pnk and dingy brown, dimly lit, and scented like generic lemon Pledge. It was a rat hole, alright, but it was the only place around for miles, and it would be safer than sleeping in a vehcile, especially one that hovered. The hotel manager sat perched on a stool, studying a newspaper with his beady little eyed, his greasy black hair pulled tight behind his head to the point where Carl didn't know how he kept his mouth closed. "Ahem." Dolores cleared her throat.

The manager's mouth twitched under his equally-greasy black moustache. His eyes snapped upwards at the odd pair standing there. "Can I help you two?"

She smiled politely. "Yes. Yes you can. We'd like to get a room, if there are any available."

The manager smirked. "Ain't you a little young to be renting a room with your boyfriend?" He wiggled this thick eyebrows at the two, quite suggestively.

Dolores gave him an ugly scowl, slapping a wad of cash on the counter. "One, he's not my boyfriend, and two, I'm paying you in cold hard cash, so do you really care?"

"Point taken, lady!" He raised his hands in surrender. "So I'm takin' it you'll want twin beds?"

"What do _you_ think, bozo?"

The manager grumbled; if she hadn't been willing to pay cash, he would've tossed her underaged butt out the door, and her little boyfriend's, too. He fumbled around with the key and spit out the words, "Room 331!", before turning back to his paper in anger. "Don't forget to sign in!"

Dolly took the pen from the counter and wrote their "names" in dainty cursive on the stained sign-in sheet; Lolita Haze and Richard F. Schiller. And with that, she led the little redhead to their room.

Surprisingly, it was a relatively clean room, even if it needed a bit of vaccuming and dusting. Dolly plopped her stuff down next to one bed and led her captive to the other, sitting him down. In the yellow glow from the bedside lamp, he looked ghostly pale. Doll bit her lip nervously. "So..."

Carl made a small whimper, but no other sound. He refused to look at her, and instead sat like a china doll on a shelf.

Dolores huffed, becoming impatient. "Okay, cut it out! Seriously! SAY something, anything!"

Carl looked up at her, just barely, but still said nothing. She plopped down next to him, frustrated but willing to bargain. "Look, kid...I'm sorry for dragging you into this. I wouldn't have if there was any other way, but that's just how things go, you know?"

She attempted to put an arm around his shoulder, but he backed away from her. "Don't,", Carl said, a bit bitterly. "Just leave me alone."

She narrowed her eyes. "Well fine." Dolly went back to her bed and grabbed the key, then angrily marched to the door and locked it, using the padlock as well. "We have a lot to do tomorrow, so you might as well get some sleep." She dropped the key down the front of her jumpsuit and turned the light off.

Dolores Robertson woke up around midnight for no reason in particular. The glow of the lights from the parking lot streamed through the window. Snow softly fell to the ground in a silver dance. But something was wrong. It occurred to her that near to her, perhaps about twelve feet away, there was a sound that she hadn't heard in a very long time. It was low, sad, all too real and all too human.

She was listening to a little boy cry.


	5. Chapter 5

The cold sun flooded the motel room through the dusty blinds in shafts and bursts, reflecting off of the glasses of the dozing intern. With a sleepy flutter of his eyes, Carl rolled over, only 30 percent into awareness and waking. The boy's dreams still hovered around his head like seaweed about a mermaid and the sounds of morning blurred into the internal monologue of his thoughts.

Dolly, who had been awake for hours now, smiled down at him in spite of herself; the way he was curled and tangled in the sheets made him look like a baby seal in a nest of marine plants, and though she hated to feel anything for someone who she was using as insurance, the fiery brunette appreciated seeing him peacefully dozing after last night's sobbing. Deep down, the teen felt disgusted with herself for putting him through so much. _Oh, Lola, _she thought, biting her lip mournfully, _have you really grown so cold? I mean, look at yourself! Only 17, and you're involved with criminals, getting arrested, hell, you've even sunk to kidnapping!_ She sucked in an exasperated breath, gray eyes melting from their usual sheet of ice into a humane expression. "God, what would mom say about THIS?"

The dark-haired girl sunk down onto the overly-bleached sheets of the motel bed and swung her legs in deep thought. For a moment, she considered it nice simply to be here, away from everything; this was the first morning in as long as she could remember that Dolores hadn't been awakened by screaming, things being thrown, chemical odors burning into her nostrils, explosions or psychotic ranting about world domination. If she wasn't a wanted criminal trying to cross international borders with a hostage, it would have been a very pleasant experience.

"Hmm..." Carl was beginning to stir, finally waking up. Dolly patted his head. "Mom, five more minutes!"

She laughed at him, surprised. "Kiddo, I'm not your mom, and if I was, there would be some SERIOUS explaining to do!"

He sat up with a jolt. "Ah! What-? Oh..." He frowned, resuming his sulleness from last night.

"I'm glad you're up, because we gotta clear out of here in an hour." She shoved a bagel and some coffee in his general direction and barely waited for him to take it before buzzing around the room, collecting every trace that they had been there, from the breakfast tray right down to an eyelash left on her pillow. "What are you doing?", he asked, head cocked to the side as he swallowed a mouthful of coffee.

"Making sure nobody knows we were here, duh!" Dolly sighed, as if answering his question was an exhausting effort. "If that loser Monomer or whatever his name was found out we were here, he could follow us."

The teen's grass-blade eyes narrowed, cheeks flushed with anger. "Monogram. His NAME is Major Monogram! And don't you DARE disrespect him like that!"

She scowled at him. "Oh, did I strike a nerve with the little boy? Well I'm so-rry, but it's not like he respected me, either! Just shut up and eat your damn bagel!" She cursed under her breath and undid her ponytail-braids, which made her hair a curly mess.

_His **name** is Monogram, _Carl thought angrily, disliking Dolores more and more,_ and I wonder what he's doing right now?_

_**Back in Danville...**_

The Major was running around his office, frantically making phonecall after phonecall to every state's different headquarter's, even to the International bases in case the girl hopped the border, desperately warning them to be on the lookout for the pair of teens. This was a high-risk, high-profile case, and the more people involved meant better odds of bringing Carl home alive and bringing that heartless bitch to justice.

Major Monogram knew it wasn't fair to call her names; after all, she was only still a child, and obviously scared, but still! Carl was like his own flesh and blood, and despite the jabs at his self esteem and jokes at his expense, the boy was as dear to him as a son. He wouldn't sleep a single night until his intern and best friend was back where he belonged.

_Fwoosh! _Francis was alerted to the sound of a door opening and a semi-aquatic mammal's feet landing on the floor of his secret base. "Agent P! Thank goodness you're here!" Monogram frowned, slicking back his hair and adjusting his moustache. He looked like a total mess, he was sure. With determination in his faltering voice, he inhaled and gave Perry his assignment. "Agent P, your mission today is of the utmost importance. Last night, Carl..." He fought back a sob, "Carl was abducted at tazerpoint by the assistant of your former nemesis, The Regurgitator. I need you to do everything you can to find him...Please. Monogram out!" The screen faded to black as the platypus saluted his superior officer. His usual scuffles with Doofenshmirtz would have to be put on the backburner for now. This time, his mission was for a friend.

This time, it was personal.

_**[A/N: Whoo yay rejoice! Finally, I got to do a good scene with Monogram and actually finish a chapter! I'm fairly sure that it sucks, but who cares? In the next chapter, I might begin delving into Carl's, as well as Dolores's, pasts and see what makes them tick. But for now, enjoy!-Kaylee]**_


End file.
